


In Which General Organa Leads an Expotition to the Sith Library

by IhaveAbadfeelingAboutThis



Series: The Hundred Acre Galaxy [1]
Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy, Winnie-the-Pooh - A. A. Milne
Genre: AU, Crack, F/M, Force Ghost Luke Skywalker, Honestly Beyond Crack, Kylo is Eeyore, M/M, Mash-up, Meta, Never Tell Me the Odds 3PO, Parody, Pilot of Very Little Brain, Rey can't swim, Subtext
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-29
Updated: 2018-11-29
Packaged: 2019-09-02 07:37:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,967
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16782559
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IhaveAbadfeelingAboutThis/pseuds/IhaveAbadfeelingAboutThis
Summary: One fine day, Poe headed up to the command center to see if The General was interested in Pilots at all.“We are all going on an Expedition,” Leia explained, as she stood up and patted her perfect braids.“Going on an Expotition? Is that a new kind of ship? I’ve always wanted to fly an Expotition!”“An Ex-Pe-DI-tion, you silly fly-boy,” she said, somehow with both exasperation and fondness, “It’s not a ship. It’s a mission.”Join Poe Bear, Finnlet, and all their friends from the Hundred Acre galaxy in this completely crack mashup of Star Wars and Winnie-The-Pooh. Poe torments Rabbitage Hux, Kylo whines, and the Porgs trail behind somewhat uselessly.





	In Which General Organa Leads an Expotition to the Sith Library

**Author's Note:**

> Obviously, everyone is a bit OOC, given that I have combined their personalities with Winnie the Pooh characters. A lot of lines are taken straight (and many others twisted) from the chapter “In Which Christopher Robin Leads an Expotition to the North Pole,” in A. A. Milne’s book Winnie-the-Pooh. I am of the opinion that this is not plagiarism, but fair use in the case of a parody. If you are interested in comparing this parody to the Milne’s text, you can find the story in chapter 8 of that book. 
> 
> Standard disclaimer: I do not own Star Wars or any of the Star Wars characters, nor do I hold the copyright for Winnie-the-Pooh, nor the license for use of the Winnie-The-Pooh characters. I am not making any money from this fic, but have written it solely for the amusement for myself and my family, and perhaps for others as well.

Chapter I

In Which General Organa Leads an Expotition to the Sith Library

**Cast of Characters:**

General Leia Organa (Christopher Robin)

Poe (Pooh) – a Pilot of very little brain

Finn (Piglet)

Rabbitage Hux

C3P-Owl

BenRen (Eeyore)

Luke’s Force Ghost (Kanga)

Rey (Roo)

Chewbacca (inserted with no parallel, with the precedent of the lisping Gopher in Disney’s Winnie-The-Pooh, but far more tolerable)

Various Porgs and relations

******************************

One fine day, Poe headed up to the command center to see if The General was interested in Pilots at all.

At breakfast that morning (a simple meal of 5 cups of caf and half a pastry), he had suddenly thought of a new way to torment Rabbitage:

_I’m looking for a General... Have you seen one?_

Poe imagined that this was very funny, because Rabbitage used to be a general before being dragged to by BenRen to the Resistance just in time to be considered a supporter of the Entirely New and Improved Republic. Now Rabbitage was just an uptight Busybody on this small base at the edge of the galaxy.

When he got this far, he ran his hand through his curls and thought to himself, “That’s a very good start for a joke, but what shall I say next?”

He tried saying “General” to himself two or three times, but it didn’t seem to help. “Perhaps it would be better,” he thought, “if I were to begin with, “The General is looking for you.” So he tried it... but it wasn’t. “Very well then,” he said, “I shall say that first line twice, and that will be sure to annoy him. And perhaps then I shall think of the third and fourth lines as I go along, and that shall be A Very Good Joke.”

Poe Bear imagined the joke going like this:

**_I’m looking for a General... Have you seen one?_ **

_There is only one General on this entire base._

**_I’m looking for a General... Have you seen one?_ **

_Honestly, Poe. What is this about?_

**_I was just wondering if you knew something about generals. In general._ **

_Could you please stop going on about generals?!_

**_I was thinking that we might have more than one general here_ ** _._

_..._

**_Or former generals._ **

He was so pleased with this plan to harass Rabbitage that he began chanting it happily under his breath all the way up to command. “Though I have to be sure to tell the joke soon, in case someone gets it in their head to promote Rabbitage.” And he became a little downcast at the thought of it.

The General was sitting on a bench, at the mouth of the cave that served as headquarters, cleaning her blaster. As soon as Poe saw the blaster, he felt sure that an Adventure was going to happen, and he hurriedly brushed the pastry crumbs off of his pants, and straightened his flight jacket, so as to look Ready for Anything.

“Good morning, General Organa! I see you have a blaster,” he said, rocking excitedly up onto his toes.

“Hello, Poe. Yes, this was Han’s.”

“That’s sad,” said Poe, scowling, and wondering once again why the General had welcomed BenRen back After Everything.

“Hmmm,” she replied, adding, “I don’t suppose you have your blaster, Poe?”

“Always!” exclaimed Poe enthusiastically. The General smiled indulgently, and Poe preened inwardly, while trying rather unsuccessfully to look modest.

After a bit of silence (Poe hated silence), Poe said, “That’s that. What happens next?”

“We are all going on an Expedition,” Leia explained, as she stood up and patted her perfect braids.

“Going on an Expotition? Is that a new kind of ship? I’ve always wanted to fly an Expotition!”

“An Ex-Pe-DI-tion, you silly fly-boy,” she said, somehow with both exasperation and fondness, “It’s not a ship. It’s a mission.”

“Oh!” said Poe. “Yes, I knew that.” But he didn’t really. At least a mission meant a ship would be involved somehow.

“We are going to uncover a lost library from the old Sith Empire.”

“Oh!” said Poe, again. “What’s a library?”

“We are hoping that we will find holocrons!” Leia continued, ignoring Poe’s question. “That is why we came here to Sengha. This ancient datacron was found on Coruscant by an archaeology student, and it revealed some previously uncharted planets. Including this one.”

“Oh. I see,” said Poe, having not much more to say than “Oh,” given the number of new words he was hearing all at once. This began to worry him. “I don’t suppose you’ll need me at all?”

“Of course we will!” the General reassured him, carelessly adding, “and Hux, and Chewie, and Luke’s Force-ghost, and everyone! It’s an Expedition! That’s what an Expedition entails. A huge group of people with all different skills setting off together to discover something. You’d better tell the others to get ready, while I collect our macrobinoculars. And we must all bring Provisions.”

“Bring what?”

“Things to eat. And water.”

“Oh!” said Poe happily. “I thought you said Provisions. I’ll go and tell them.” And he trotted off.

The first person Poe met was Rabbitage Hux.

“The General has a message for you, ex-general Hux.”

Rabbitage began to clench his teeth and tremble, but tried not to let Poe get to him, instead giving a non-committal, “Yes, and?”

“And we are all going on an Expotition!”

“And what exactly is an Ex-POE-TI-tion?” Hux asked carefully, and not without a little glee at Poe once again exhibiting Very Little Brain, not to mention narcissism.

“A sort of ship, I think. Leia... the General said that we are staying on planet, but I suppose we’ll still need a ship, right? Why else would I be coming?”

“Indeed,” said Rabbitage, “And where will you be taking this ship?”

“We’re going to discover a holocron! Or a carillon? Or... something. Anyway, we are going to discover it!”

“We are, are we?” said Rabbitage, skeptically.

“Yes! And we’ve got to bring Poe... Pro... things to eat!”

“Pro...visions?” corrected Hux, rolling his eyes.

“That’s it!” said Poe, happily. “In case we get thirsty! Or... hungry, I guess! Now, I’m going to Finnlet’s. Go tell Rey, will you?” And Poe left Rabbitage, and hurried to Finn’s bunk.

Rabbitage shook his head and muttered, “Am I the only one not missing the subtext here? Honestly! They have pet names for each other!”

C3P-Owl appeared behind Hux, startling him, and predicted, “The odds of Disney allowing these characters to openly express romantic feelings for one another is 53,267 to one.”

“For once, in this galaxy, I don’t think the plucky rebels are going to overcome the odds this time,” grumbled Rabbitage.

“Pardon me, sir, but I do think you meant, ‘plucky forces of the Entirely New and Improved Republic.”

Rabbitage turned red (his face, that is, to match his already red hair), and stomped off in the direction of the barracks.

Meanwhile, Finn was sitting on his bunk, absent-mindedly blowing on a dandelion, and wondering whether it would be this year, next year, sometime, or never. He had just discovered that it would be never, when Poe came.

**Rabbitage’s growl of frustration was heard echoing down the hallways of the barracks. “Doesn’t anyone see what I mean?!”**

“Oh, Finnlet!” called Poe excitedly, “we’re going on an Expotition, all of us! With things to eat! To discover... something!”

“To discover what?” Finn asked warily.

“Oh – just – something,” Poe answered.

“Nothing fierce?”

“General Organa didn’t say anything about fierce. She just said there were carillons.”

“Well, I expect we _shall_ have to carry-on, Poe Bear, if the General asks us too. But if Rey is coming, I suppose I don’t mind.”

In a little while, the usual suspects had gathered outside of the command center, circled up and taking direction from Leia.

“I’ll be in the lead, with Rabbitage. Then Chewie behind us, followed by Poe and Finn. Next will be Rey, accompanied by Luke’s Force ghost, then C3P-Owl, and finally Ben bringing up the rear.”

“Kylo,” BenRen corrected sulkily, but as usual, no one acknowledged him.

“What about the ship?”

“No ships, Poe,” answered Leia.

“Skimmers? Speeders? Blimps?”

Leia rolled her eyes, sighing, “The canopy is too dense to get a visual from above, and the electric and heat signatures of the vegetation are too variable for our scanners to be any use. We go on foot, Poe.”

Poe was confused for a moment, but remembered he would be walking with Finnlet, and that cheered him considerably.

Everyone lined up as the General had directed, with several dozen porgs and various smaller droids trailing behind BenRen.

“It’s unsettling, the way these porgs follow me. They’re invasive and they get everywhere. And BB-8 doesn’t belong in the jungle. He’s just going to make us fall behind. I, for one, will not be helping him over any fallen logs.

“I didn’t want to come along on this Expedition. It’s not like I enjoy following around people who are always looking nervously over their shoulders at me. I only came to oblige...” Ben cut himself off, because the last word in the tirade would have been “Rey.” But he blushed, and everyone knew what (who) he meant. Except for Rey, who seemed to be blind to Ben’s feelings, to the ongoing relief of the executives at Disney.

“I do see what Master Ben means,” offered C3P-Owl. “If you ask me – “

BenRen gritted his teeth in annoyance. “I’m not _asking_ anybody, I’m telling everybody. We can go on an Expedition, or we can play ‘let’s be tracked all over Endor by miniature cannibalistic Ewoks.’ It’s all the same to me, but let’s be clear about what we are doing.”

All this time he was waving his lightsaber around for emphasis, but no one was paying attention to him except for C3P-Owl, who began edging nervously closer to Rey. When the droid bumped into her, she looked back and saw Ren gesturing with his blade. She scowled and shook her head, and he sheepishly put it away.

“Come on!” called Leia from up ahead.

Chewie gave a growl that Poe and Finn could not decipher. But they had heard Leia, so they helpfully echoed, “Come on!” as if the General’s orders were not enough to get everyone going.

“We’re starting. I must take my place by the side of General Organa,” Rabbitage said, self-importantly.

“Fine. Here we go,” grumbled BenRen. “Only don’t blame me when Hux destroys us all through sheer incompetence and hubris.”

So off they all went to discover the library. And as they walked everyone began to chatter among themselves. All except for Poe, who was silently opening and closing his mouth, not knowing how to start a conversation with Finn, who seemed never to be sufficiently impressed with his plans to needle Rabbitage. So after humming a bit to himself, and wishing that BenRen was not between him and BB-8, he decided to begin and see where the conversation took him.

“Finnlet?”

“Yes, Poe Bear?”

“... I’m glad you kept my jacket. It looks good on you.”

“Of course I kept it, Silly Bear! It reminds me of you.”

“It makes me feel warm, knowing it is keeping you warm.”

And so on, until Hux couldn’t stop himself from muttering about the reduced mental capacity of pilots, and Chewie growled softly in what Hux _thought_ might be commiseration, but was, in fact, an observation that _stormtroopers weren’t any brighter._

“Quiet, now!” hissed Leia, “Up ahead appears to be a Dangerous Place.”

“Hush!” said Rabbitage to Chewbacca, in arrogant disregard for the Wookie’s relative strength and size.

“Hush!” said Poe Bear to Finnlet, as if he had not been the one to start the absurdly sappy (but platonic!!) conversation.

“Hush!” said C3P-Owl to Luke’s Force ghost, though he and Rey had been the only two moving silently through the woods.

“Hush!” said BenRen to the heedless Porgs.

Ahead, the forest opened up to a wide pasture beside a river, with a high cliff just above the bank on the far side. Any half-camouflaged creature could creep up on the pasture from the edge of the forest. And any creature on the cliffs above would _have the high ground._ The General saw at once how dangerous it was.

“It’s just the place,” she explained, “for an Ambush.”

“What sort of bush? A caf bush?” asked Poe, hopefully.

“There are 5 known varieties of caf beans in the galaxy, but none grow in this sector,” C3P-Owl began. “The only beans that are safe for humans to drink are generally cultivated on the Forest Moon of Endor, but in the past...”

“No one cares, 3P-Owl!” Finn interrupted severely. Turning to Poe, he said, “An ambush, Poe Bear, is a sort of surprise. When people jump out at you, that is an ambush.”

“Like at a surprise party?” asked Poe. “Remember, Finn-let, when we had a surprise party for Rabbitage? He spit his caf all over himself!”

“It’s an ambush,” Finn sighed, “when you are sorry to see the people who jump out at you, because they intend to harm you.”

Poe, who now knew what an ambush was, said that he was sure that Rabbitage had not wanted to see any of them, and wasn’t it funny how flustered Hux had been by soiling his uniform, as if someone had indeed intended him harm, and though it was an Unplanned Consequence, Poe could not have been more pleased by the outcome. After all, how could one not wish to aggravate Rabbitage when he was so fun to needle, and have we all forgotten about the Hosnian system, after all?

All this time, Finn had been blinking at Poe vacantly.

Hux shouted, and Finn jumped nervously at the Sudden Noise.

“We are _not_ talking about the Hosnian system!” Hux interjected, no longer able to take anymore of Poe’s not too quiet whispers.

“I am,” sulked Poe.

Meanwhile, Leia had found a nearly indefensible area with only one likely escape route on a flat but narrow strip of grass alongside the river. “We stop here,” she said.

“Gryffindors,” muttered BenRen.

“I think,” said Leia, “that we should set up camp. After all, it will be growing dark soon. Rey and Luke? You have first watch.”

And everyone began pulling things out of their packs.

“Has everyone got a shelter?” Asked Leia, looking pointedly at BenRen, who appeared to have no pack at all, but instead to have brought only his cape and his lightsaber.

“All except me,” said BenRen. “As Usual.” He looked around in his melancholy way. “I don’t suppose any of you has extra room in your tent, by any chance?”

“By ‘any of you,’ he means, ‘Rey,’” muttered Hux. “It’s pathetic.”

“The odds of Master Luke allowing Rey to share her tent with Master Ben are 483 to 1.”

“Poe has invited me to share his tent, so you can sleep with BB-8 in mine!” Finn offered. BB-8 chirped angrily, and bumped repeatedly against Finn’s leg until Poe came over to intervene, saying, “BB-8! My buddy! You don’t mind keeping an eye on Ren for all of us, do you?”

“I, for one, will sleep much more peacefully knowing that there is a 12 inch tall droid who only speaks binary standing between you all and my unrestrained murderous rage,” Ben snarled, sarcastically. “And I’m sure he will be Excellent Protection for me against a Force Ghost. Thank you so much for your consideration, Poe.”

“You’re welcome, Ren!” Poe replied, obliviously.

As soon as she had satisfied herself that everyone was well along the way to settling in, General Organa whispered to Hux, and Hux whispered back, “Yes, General, of course, General,” and they walked into her tent together.

“I didn’t want the others to hear,” said General Organa.

“Quite so,” answered Hux, looking important.

“Please, Rabbitage,” said the General, taking down her hair, “call me Leia.”

Hux blushed and looked at his feet. “I –“ he began, with a high pitched squeak.” He cleared his throat, and started over. “I never much liked the name Rabbitage. Hux is fine.” He swallowed, and then added, “Leia.”

“It’s only – I wondered – It’s only – Hux?”

Rabbitage was not at all comfortable with the way this seemed to be going. Of course he had hoped to be admitted enough into the General’s confidence that she would invite him to call her ‘Leia,’ but being alone with her in a tent with her hair down. This was most unexpected.

“Ye-es? L-leia?”

“Hux, I don’t suppose you’ve ever seen a Sith holocron?”

“Well,” said Hux, much relieved that this was a strategy session after all, “ _Now_ you’re asking me.”

“I saw a Jedi holocron once, only it was a long time ago, and I don’t suppose they’re exactly the same, anyway,” said Leia, carelessly.

“It’s a funny thing,” said Hux, “I saw an image of one, once, but... I’ve forgotten.”

“I suppose it’s just a cron that holds a holo?”

“Sure to be a cron,” said Hux, “because of calling it a cron. And if it is a holo-cron, it must hold holos.”

“Yes, that’s what I thought,” Leia began. But then she felt the need to come clean. “In truth, I have no idea what a Sith holocron looks like.”

Hux sighed in relief. “Me neither. But I know what a datacron looks like, and it is sort of a handheld shiny box, so maybe it looks like that?”

“Maybe,” agreed Leia, “And I’ve seen a library. It is full of shelves and shelves of holos, and sometimes tables to set them on when reading or watching them.”

“That sounds right,” agreed Hux.

“Thank you so much, Rab – um – Hux,” said Leia, stepping behind a screen and beginning to toss clothes over the side, “I’m just going to slip into something...”

Hux rabbited out of Leia’s tent as fast as his legs could carry him, until he spotted BenRen glaring at him. Hux slowed, walking casually to the fireside, as if he had intended all along to simply rejoin the others.

Pooh and Finn were already in their tent. (Sleeping!)

Rey was standing on the bank of the river, practicing with her saber.

Luke was proudly telling C3P-Owl that Rey had just begun mastering Soresu, and that a narrow riverbank was perfect for practicing this form, which was intended for use in tight spaces.

“I doubt Rey is at all well suited for Soresu,” BenRen grumbled. “I know that _Luke_ is trying to ‘purge her of her anger,’ but she’s not once been corrupted by it. She’s not going to excel at a purely defensive form. You know what I mean, Chewie. She’s too spirited for that, right?”

Hux rolled his eyes.

Just then, before you could say, “I have a bad feeling about this,” there came a Surprised Noise from Rey, a splash, and a loud, “Oh dear, oh dear!” from C3P-Owl.

“So much for Soresu,” BenRen offered, dryly.

“Rey’s fallen in!” shouted Rabbitage, and the General came running out of her tent, clad in silk pajamas, with her hair in smooth, elegant sleep braids.

“That’s ok! I can swim!” insisted Rey, as she was swept along with the thankfully slow moving current. Her head was sucked under, and she resurfaced, sputtering. “See? I can swim!” she shouted proudly, before her head disappeared under the water again.

Everyone was doing something to help. Poe and Finn had emerged from Poe’s tent in their shorts, and Finn was standing frozen to the spot whispering, “Rey,” over and over. C3P-Owl was standing on the riverbank explaining that the odds of Rey not drowning were 36 to 1.

BenRen had turned on his lightsaber and stuck it into the water, with the intention of evaporating the river so that there would be no water for Rey to flail about in. But there was so much water flowing along, that all he was doing was raising an awful mist.

Poe had climbed up a tall tower, with the intention of doing reconnaissance. He could see the whole river from above. He became distracted, thinking about being up in the sky, and how much more comfortable that was than the ground, and how there wasn’t anything like a river in the sky, except for the maelstrom, maybe, which was more like a thundercloud the size of a system, when you thought about it...

Luke had seemed to have disappeared, as he did all too often when he seemed most needed.

But as Rey’s head ducked under the water for the sixth time, and she began to wonder if she was swimming after all, she heard Luke’s voice clearly: “Use the Force, Rey.”

Rey remembered at last that she was a powerful Force User, and she lifted herself out of the water and onto the bank, a few steps away from the fire.

Meanwhile, well upstream from all of the excitement, completely blinded by the mist he had created, and holding the hilt of his now extinguished saber, BenRen was muttering, “Come on, Rey, don’t leave me alone.”

Rey heard him from her place by the fire. “Oh Ben. You’re not alone.”

BenRen dashed towards the sound of her voice, emerging from the mist and joining her by the fire. He grasped her hand, “Neither are you.” He looked over her shivering form. “I got too wet in that mist, too. You know, if we are going to have any hope of warming up, we really need to get out of these wet clothes...”

Luke’s Force ghost suddenly re-incorporated. “Nooo!!!” he shouted, holding out his palm towards the fire, putting out the flame suddenly, and shooting firewood in all directions. Chewie vocalized indignantly in response to the needless darkness, and swung at Luke, who of course was completely untouched.

Finn came running up, and exclaimed, “Poe found a carillon!”

“We weren’t looking for a carillon,” Rabbitage began irritably, “We were looking for...”

The General gave Hux a Significant Look, and interrupted “Finn, dear! That’s wonderful! Show me Poe’s carillon!”

Finn ran off, chattering excitedly to Leia.

Soon the two of them returned, together with Poe. Rey had returned to her tent, leaving Rabbitage, Chewie, and C3P-Owl with BenRen by the fire.

“Hullo, BenRen,” said Poe.

“It’s Kylo.”

“Whatever you say...”

There was an awkward silence. Finally BenRen said, “I’m still quite wet, but I shall probably not get hypothermia, now that I am beside this lovely fire, Poe. Thanks for asking.”

“Fire?” asked Poe, confused, wondering, where had the fire gone?

“My mistake. I thought you were saying that you were sorry that I had gotten soaked to the skin while trying to rescue Rey, but wasn’t it nice of Luke to help us with the fire?”

“Umm. No. That wasn’t me.” Poe was puzzled. “Perhaps it was someone else?” He suggested helpfully.

General Organa interrupted. “Poe found a carillon, dear. Isn’t that lovely?”

“Is that what we were looking for?” asked BenRen doubtfully.

“Yes!” said the General.

“Ah,” said BenRen. “Well, at least no one has died. Yet.”

They all went straight back to the base the next day. BenRen claimed to have lost all feeling in his feet, but Poe felt very proud of himself and what he had done, and had several cups of caf to revive himself.

**”That’s the end?!!” screeched Rabbitage. “But we never found the library! Or even any holocrons!”

Leia looked thoughtful. “That’s true. But Poe feels proud of himself. And now we know that if we want to complete our mission, we should go by ourselves next time, just the two of us.”

Hux looked horrified for a moment, but quickly regained his composure. Smoothing down a nonexistent wrinkle in the sleeve of his uniform, he suggested, “General, perhaps we should also take Rey. And Chewie.”

“Hux, dear, call me Leia.”**

**Author's Note:**

> For any folks who are inclined to take this at all seriously, Sengha is not a real planet in Canon. I wanted to make one up. After all, it is meant to have been long uncharted. It’s a big galaxy. This is meant to be set after Episode IX, with the caveat that Leia is alive anyway, because she makes an excellent Christopher Robin. 
> 
> I will likely write more of these. Feel free to make requests.


End file.
